No Dawn, No Day

I get attached to verses of a song. It’s like tasting something strange for the first time and not being able to get enough of it. You then go on to dissect, introspect, and mull it over some more.

The line of the day is “No dawn, no day” from Florence + The Machine’s Cosmic Love  that I love oh so much.

The meaning that this work has taken on for me is profound. It speaks to a tendency of choosing to go along with what is safe but finding oneself in the dark in the end. More precisely, it is about sacrificing your right to thought and dreaming for another’s.

In the song, the Florence sings the story of mistaking her love for something they weren’t. In light of this discovery, she is bound by a night with no visible end, alone in the darkness. But I think that is how she finds herself.

It’s the story of following one’s unreliable love into a meadow and finding oneself alone. Be it a literal lover or a tie you haven’t yet mustered the courage to sever, it’s the silencing of your heart for the sake of someone else’s happiness. At first, this seems generous, but I’ve only ever seen the fault in it after confronting feelings of lividity.

In this verse, I find solace in knowing that the darkest hour precedes the dawn and that the morning will come.

 

Inside, Out.

The lovely aspects of transitioning to post-secondary education include choosing to study what you want, hence making an intentional investment in your education (I would hope this decision was made with intention), ridding yourself of an entourage that you never really quite fit into, and waking up closer to the life you want if your subject of study has any relevance at all to your aspirations.

The ugly is just ugly, though. It’s waking up a week before the midterm you forgot you even had and wondering if you’re doing anything with your life. It’s thinking of everything you could do with the thousands of dollars you spent on your education and realizing that you could only use that money for school, anyway. The worst part perhaps is realizing that in your profound loneliness while taking this big step into the immense (and expensive… Oh so expensive) world of academia, you’ve come to find that you truly don’t know yourself yet.

As the summer neared its end, I ruptured relationship after relationship that no longer served me. I came to see that in the constant tension that I had accepted on the grounds of being “Everyday Life”, I had allowed my boundaries to be disrespected. At times, I pondered where things went wrong and how I could have attracted so much incompatibility into my life. Every time, it all led back to me. While growing up, we are taught mannerisms pertaining to interpersonal relationships and external decency. Somewhere in that limbo of socialization, we are taught to show care and attention to those we love; in my upbringing, those people never included myself.

For a very long time, I was confined to the person my parents and friends wanted me to be. Of course, they didn’t want awful things for me, but only I could know what it is that I am meant to seek and find in this life. Because I wasn’t acting on intention, all my actions were solely directed to the outside and I never learned to carry out interactions with myself.

How was I supposed to hold myself accountable to attaining my goals when I hadn’t even developed a conscious relationship with my Self? How was I to know what I wanted without ever looking inside of myself?

I am still forging the path to Who I Am and Who I Aspire to Be. Throughout this process, I have been learning from the insecurities I’ve projected onto my relationships and exchanges with friends, family and acquaintances alike, without judgement. I am reclaiming the right to listen to my inner voice and amplifying its thoughts when it speaks. I am searching for my truth and committed to honouring it.

I, like many others, so easily admire the shades of pink that colour a flower’s petals, but have been so quick to dismiss the labours of its roots and the earth that contains them as unpleasant.

Why?

I’m new here.

I wonder if this will go anywhere, but in the making of this post, I knew it would. This is me figuring it out and you watching me go through the motions and a little bit more.

I like to think that everything happens for a reason, yet I know from somewhere deeper that everything works according to an order; this world is run by a greater synchronicity and sometimes, I feel like I am swimming against the tide.

This is me – again – searching for my place in the workings of the watch before the big hand strikes midnight.